Defiant and Behaviourally Challenged kids

1 Minute Read

I just came out of a training session entitled: Defiant Children with Leading Experts Russ Barkley, PhD and Ross Greene.

It was presented as a conversation between two experts in the field both with impressive academic credits to their names in the areas of Attention Deficit Disorder and Oppositional Defiant Disorder (respectively). The things that stand out to me thinking over the material that was covered in the session come mostly from Ross Green’s presentation.

His approach called the “collaborative and proactive solutions approach” emphasizes that problematic behaviour in kids comes mostly from a collision between the demands placed upon them in their environment and a lack of skills. The approach emphasizes approaching kids in a collaborative and curious way; inviting them to solve problems with you rather than making the decisions for them. What I like about the approach is that it minimizes shame for both the child and parent so you can go right to making things better for all involved. I’ll be checking out his website in more detail and using the resources that he has made available – got to love the internet in the way it makes information from generous people so easily available. If problematic behavior in children is an area of interest to you (or you have one) I’d encourage you to check out his website also :

http://www.livesinthebalance.org/about-lives-in-the-balance

Like it? Share it!

Inside Out - a sign that our cultural understanding of emotions is about to change for the better. 3 Minute read

The new Disney Pixar movie Inside Out takes place inside the head of a young girl called Riley. As the movie unfolds we are able to see her internal life depicted through 5 energetic characters, each modelled on one of the core emotions – Joy, Sadness, Anger, Fear and Disgust. We watch how the five emotions work together, or not, as they guide Riley through one of the most challenging journeys of her young life – leaving her friends and ice hockey team behind, to move from Minnesota to San Francisco.

When I first heard that Disney Pixar were making a movie about emotions I was very sceptical. My first thought was pessimistic; a worry that it would perpetuate the common myths about emotions that our culture subscribes to. I witness the suffering that these myths cause on a day-to-day basis in the therapy room. I was concerned that a blockbuster movie made by a commercial movie studio would only perpetuate these unhelpful misconceptions and misunderstandings.

However, the movie is beyond beautiful and I was excited to see current insights gained from research in psychology and neuroscience brought together and presented in such an easy to understand form. In the creation of Inside Out the director Pete Docter has gone to great lengths to be as true to the research as possible. He draws particularly on the work of Paul Ekman; a pioneer in the field, and his protégée Dacher Keltner of the Greater Good Foundation at the University of Berkley.

There is nothing better than a good metaphor to help people create new understandings and perspectives. Discovering a good metaphor for a complex idea can save hours of therapy and create a “light bulb” moment for a client. Behind the entertainment value of Inside Out is a beautiful and moving metaphor which will help many people better understand their emotions. I hope that young and old viewers will be empowered by this understanding.

On Inside Out collaborator and psychologist Dacher Keltner writes -

“I hope this movie becomes part of our cultural understanding of what it means to be a child and what it means to be a human being and to grapple with these emotions” (http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_ggsc_turned_pixar_inside_out)

In an interview with Terry Gross of Fresh Air, Pete Docter discusses an account of the effects of watching Inside Out on a young viewer. He recalls how a co-worker described the impact of the movie on his young son. His son had been taking part in swimming lessons for several weeks but had always been too afraid to jump from the high diving board. After watching Inside Out, his son found that he was able to join his classmates in jumping from the diving board. When asked how he was able to finally make the plunge, the young boy replied, “I just felt that Fear had been driving [all of those other times] and I asked him to step aside”. http://www.npr.org/programs/fresh-air/

I imagine that there will be many more heart warming stories like this as more viewers are touched by Inside Out’s charming magic.

The beautiful truth behind Inside Out’s story of adventure and companionship is that each of the emotions have a role to play. Inside Out focuses on the role of Sadness and her relationship to Joy, but it could have easily be rewritten to place any of the other less desirable emotions - Anger, Disgust or Fear - in the spotlight to the same effect.

As demonstrated in the movie, we want our emotions working together – and we want to develop the balance and confidence to feel things fully – always being aware that the art is in how we translate the information from our emotions into skilful actions in the world. Which is overall a main goal in psychotherapy.

I have been excitedly recommending this movie to friends, family, clients, co-workers and anyone within ear shot, and it has already opened up new opportunities to talk about emotions in different contexts. It has created a new language to talk about emotions. So go and see Inside Out, you will laugh, cry and come away from the experience with something very worthwhile. 

Like it? Share it!

The value of anger and how to harness it

We often think of anger as a negative emotion. It can feel dangerous and volatile. It’s uncomfortable, we get hot, our heart rate increases, and blood pressure goes up. We become impulsive and think less rationally; due to restriction of blood flow to the frontal lobes of our brain. As this is the case, there is a chance that the highest part of us will not be in the driver's seat, we may not take the best possible course of action; decreasing our chances of moving in our valued direction in life. 

Why is it important?

We need anger and it's valuable as it tells us that there is something wrong in our environment and more specifically that maybe something unjust has happened. Our body and emotions respond to the environment and what is happening around us to let us know that something is not right. This is an amazing capacity that we have, and we should value it. If we did not get angry at injustaice we may never do something about it. It tells us when we need to stand up and fight for what is important, or to be assertive and say no. Anger can motivate us, give us energy, and contribute to our ability to persevere.

As Aristotle said:

"Anybody can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everybody's power and is not easy."

The skilful expression of anger:

Manage the emotion:

The artful expression of anger can be learned like any skill and like anything, getting good at it just takes practice. For us to choose the best course of action in a non life or death situation we need to have our frontal lobes on line, and this means our pulse should be under 100 beats per minute. Here is a simple guide on measuring your pulse: http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/258118.php

If it is over 100 beats, then this is our indicator that we need to take a minute to do something to calm ourselves down; such as leave the situation, take some deep breaths or distract ourselves*.  

Base our course of action on our values:

We want our anger to be an indicator that we need to take action, but we don’t want it in the drivers’ seat. Our values and what is meaningful to us should ultimately guide our choices. If we act aggressively then we are likely to cause more mess, or even get more of what we don’t.  Which is not to say that using force is never appropriate.

Be assertive, plan and think through the best course of action:

At this stage we can draw on our communication skills, past experience and even consultation with trusted people. Check in that the course of action that we choose will take us in our desired direction. We might not get it right, but in this instance we can be sure that we brought all of resources to trying, and we can learn from any mistakes. Remember you are not perfect and getting it wrong can sometimes be more valuable to learning than getting it right.

Assess the effectiveness of your action

Did things go as you had planned? What went well? What not so well? What did you learn? How could you do it better/differently next time?

Then let this inform your future actions.

So in this way when we learn to manage our anger and develop skill in the expression of it we will be builing a less chaotic and meaningful life.

* If you have some problems calming down I will be writing a post about that soon. You also have the option of researching techniques yourself, or seeing a counsellor or Psychologist.

Like it? Share it below ...

Communicating with difficult people to bring out the best in them:

1: Start with curiosity and empathy.

Try to put a pause on your annoyance at them. Seek to understand the person’s motivations and think about what is really important to that person. What do they aspire to in their life? If you don’t know be curious and try to find out. Unless the person is a psychopath or sociopath they will have some underlying values and/or be seeking to find some meaning in their life. 

2. Be willing to be open and vulnerable yourself.

State your sadness/upset about the situation (it sucks to have friction with someone). The state how you would ideally like things to be (resolved, civil, workable). Be clear on articulating the best possible outcome you can imagine between the two of you, even if it seems like a pipe dream at this stage.

3: Use inclusive language:

Although the problem might be due largely to the other person’s behaviour try to use ‘we’ instead of ‘you’ where you can.  Ie “ if things keep going this way it seems like a bigger rift will grow between us and we will miss out on the chance at having a workable relationship”.

Describe how the other person’s behaviour effects you and the situation and include a reference to their deeper values even if they are hard to see at that point. Most people want to be happy and to have less chaos in their lives: ie  “I know that you want things to be well with us, but at the moment when you do this…. It keeps me distant from you”. Steer away from accusations, name calling and using statements such you ‘always’ and ‘never’ . Keep it more about your reactions and responses to the things they are doing.

4. Get clear about the thing/s that they could do differently which would improve the situation:

The simpler and smaller the better. Since we are asking someone to change it helps for us to give them hints and direction on how to make that change. What is the best thing that you can imagine the other person doing that would greatly improve the situation and (add a supercharge) be in line with their values?

5. State your intentions to proceed from here and leave the ball in their court:

State your values and wishes for how things could turn out between you. However, state that things can not improve with your effort alone. It is that person’s choice whether they join you at the table or not. You are not perfect and will at times go off track or mess up – this is to be expected, but state your intention to get back on track again as soon as you can.

6: Set your boundary

You deserve to be treated respectfully and with dignity. If this person can not step up to your invitation and decides to continue with their current trajectory, then you need to state that you have to  limit or cut off contact – which ever is more appropriate. If they can step up to the plate you can proceed and you can state your sincere wish that they do.  

For other skills in dealing with difficulty kindly watch out for more posts to follow.

Like it? Share it below.....