The value of anger and how to harness it

We often think of anger as a negative emotion. It can feel dangerous and volatile. It’s uncomfortable, we get hot, our heart rate increases, and blood pressure goes up. We become impulsive and think less rationally; due to restriction of blood flow to the frontal lobes of our brain. As this is the case, there is a chance that the highest part of us will not be in the driver's seat, we may not take the best possible course of action; decreasing our chances of moving in our valued direction in life. 

Why is it important?

We need anger and it's valuable as it tells us that there is something wrong in our environment and more specifically that maybe something unjust has happened. Our body and emotions respond to the environment and what is happening around us to let us know that something is not right. This is an amazing capacity that we have, and we should value it. If we did not get angry at injustaice we may never do something about it. It tells us when we need to stand up and fight for what is important, or to be assertive and say no. Anger can motivate us, give us energy, and contribute to our ability to persevere.

As Aristotle said:

"Anybody can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everybody's power and is not easy."

The skilful expression of anger:

Manage the emotion:

The artful expression of anger can be learned like any skill and like anything, getting good at it just takes practice. For us to choose the best course of action in a non life or death situation we need to have our frontal lobes on line, and this means our pulse should be under 100 beats per minute. Here is a simple guide on measuring your pulse: http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/258118.php

If it is over 100 beats, then this is our indicator that we need to take a minute to do something to calm ourselves down; such as leave the situation, take some deep breaths or distract ourselves*.  

Base our course of action on our values:

We want our anger to be an indicator that we need to take action, but we don’t want it in the drivers’ seat. Our values and what is meaningful to us should ultimately guide our choices. If we act aggressively then we are likely to cause more mess, or even get more of what we don’t.  Which is not to say that using force is never appropriate.

Be assertive, plan and think through the best course of action:

At this stage we can draw on our communication skills, past experience and even consultation with trusted people. Check in that the course of action that we choose will take us in our desired direction. We might not get it right, but in this instance we can be sure that we brought all of resources to trying, and we can learn from any mistakes. Remember you are not perfect and getting it wrong can sometimes be more valuable to learning than getting it right.

Assess the effectiveness of your action

Did things go as you had planned? What went well? What not so well? What did you learn? How could you do it better/differently next time?

Then let this inform your future actions.

So in this way when we learn to manage our anger and develop skill in the expression of it we will be builing a less chaotic and meaningful life.

* If you have some problems calming down I will be writing a post about that soon. You also have the option of researching techniques yourself, or seeing a counsellor or Psychologist.

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Communicating with difficult people to bring out the best in them:

1: Start with curiosity and empathy.

Try to put a pause on your annoyance at them. Seek to understand the person’s motivations and think about what is really important to that person. What do they aspire to in their life? If you don’t know be curious and try to find out. Unless the person is a psychopath or sociopath they will have some underlying values and/or be seeking to find some meaning in their life. 

2. Be willing to be open and vulnerable yourself.

State your sadness/upset about the situation (it sucks to have friction with someone). The state how you would ideally like things to be (resolved, civil, workable). Be clear on articulating the best possible outcome you can imagine between the two of you, even if it seems like a pipe dream at this stage.

3: Use inclusive language:

Although the problem might be due largely to the other person’s behaviour try to use ‘we’ instead of ‘you’ where you can.  Ie “ if things keep going this way it seems like a bigger rift will grow between us and we will miss out on the chance at having a workable relationship”.

Describe how the other person’s behaviour effects you and the situation and include a reference to their deeper values even if they are hard to see at that point. Most people want to be happy and to have less chaos in their lives: ie  “I know that you want things to be well with us, but at the moment when you do this…. It keeps me distant from you”. Steer away from accusations, name calling and using statements such you ‘always’ and ‘never’ . Keep it more about your reactions and responses to the things they are doing.

4. Get clear about the thing/s that they could do differently which would improve the situation:

The simpler and smaller the better. Since we are asking someone to change it helps for us to give them hints and direction on how to make that change. What is the best thing that you can imagine the other person doing that would greatly improve the situation and (add a supercharge) be in line with their values?

5. State your intentions to proceed from here and leave the ball in their court:

State your values and wishes for how things could turn out between you. However, state that things can not improve with your effort alone. It is that person’s choice whether they join you at the table or not. You are not perfect and will at times go off track or mess up – this is to be expected, but state your intention to get back on track again as soon as you can.

6: Set your boundary

You deserve to be treated respectfully and with dignity. If this person can not step up to your invitation and decides to continue with their current trajectory, then you need to state that you have to  limit or cut off contact – which ever is more appropriate. If they can step up to the plate you can proceed and you can state your sincere wish that they do.  

For other skills in dealing with difficulty kindly watch out for more posts to follow.

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