Communicating with difficult people to bring out the best in them:
/1: Start with curiosity and empathy.
Try to put a pause on your annoyance at them. Seek to understand the person’s motivations and think about what is really important to that person. What do they aspire to in their life? If you don’t know be curious and try to find out. Unless the person is a psychopath or sociopath they will have some underlying values and/or be seeking to find some meaning in their life.
2. Be willing to be open and vulnerable yourself.
State your sadness/upset about the situation (it sucks to have friction with someone). The state how you would ideally like things to be (resolved, civil, workable). Be clear on articulating the best possible outcome you can imagine between the two of you, even if it seems like a pipe dream at this stage.
3: Use inclusive language:
Although the problem might be due largely to the other person’s behaviour try to use ‘we’ instead of ‘you’ where you can. Ie “ if things keep going this way it seems like a bigger rift will grow between us and we will miss out on the chance at having a workable relationship”.
Describe how the other person’s behaviour effects you and the situation and include a reference to their deeper values even if they are hard to see at that point. Most people want to be happy and to have less chaos in their lives: ie “I know that you want things to be well with us, but at the moment when you do this…. It keeps me distant from you”. Steer away from accusations, name calling and using statements such you ‘always’ and ‘never’ . Keep it more about your reactions and responses to the things they are doing.
4. Get clear about the thing/s that they could do differently which would improve the situation:
The simpler and smaller the better. Since we are asking someone to change it helps for us to give them hints and direction on how to make that change. What is the best thing that you can imagine the other person doing that would greatly improve the situation and (add a supercharge) be in line with their values?
5. State your intentions to proceed from here and leave the ball in their court:
State your values and wishes for how things could turn out between you. However, state that things can not improve with your effort alone. It is that person’s choice whether they join you at the table or not. You are not perfect and will at times go off track or mess up – this is to be expected, but state your intention to get back on track again as soon as you can.
6: Set your boundary
You deserve to be treated respectfully and with dignity. If this person can not step up to your invitation and decides to continue with their current trajectory, then you need to state that you have to limit or cut off contact – which ever is more appropriate. If they can step up to the plate you can proceed and you can state your sincere wish that they do.
For other skills in dealing with difficulty kindly watch out for more posts to follow.